Ben and I have been trying to define exactly what irritates us about the so-called egalitarian movement in both reform and conservative synagogues. Neither of us is a fan of females adopting the practices of wearing a kippah, tallit or tefillin. While arguments can be made that the daughters of the great rabbi known as Rashi put on tefillin, it has certainly not been looked on as something common for women to take on until the past couple of decades.
We've talked a lot about this recently as it starts to become more immediately applicable to our family. In religious school this past year, our daughter was the only girl in the Kindergarten class who did not wear a kippah. The rabbi at Beth Shalom basically tried to mandate that every student was obligated to wear one during school hours. We spoke to the school director and both she and the Kindergarten teachers were helpful in ensuring that Rachel was not forced to do something that neither she nor we wanted her to take on. I will admit that we ignored the issue with Anna in preschool although it also made us both uncomfortable knowing that everyone put on a kippah for "Shabbat" on Thursday mornings.
Why is it a big deal to us? Partly because it doesn't sit right with us. I was browsing on chabad.org the other day and an article about this very issue jumped out at me and articulated our thoughts on the matter more succinctly than I think either one of us could have done. Basically, if a woman (or girl) wants to take on these traditionally male customs, let her do it AFTER she has done everything she can as an observant female. Let her do it in her own home so that it is between her and G-d, not to show other people that she can. It's that last part that I think is most relevant.
How often do we do something hoping that someone else will see what we have done as opposed to doing it privately in a pay-it-forward kind of way? When we attend services and hear how women can do everything men can do, I want to jump up and scream that no, that's not true or necessary.
In Judaism, women are exempt from time-bound commandments. I may have posted about this before, but I think it bears repeating. This morning Anna needed an early nap, so I stayed home with her. Am I exempt from being required to pray? No, but I am not bound by time the way a Jewish man is. I think that makes perfect sense.
I also don't think that men and women need to be "equal". That doesn't mean that I think men are superior to women, but it does mean that I actually acknowledge that there are differences.
Ben and I have had many a conversation about where we'd like to end up, Jewishly speaking. Most of these conversations follow the same sequence of statements/questions:
1. We'd like to be more Torah-observant than we currently are.
2. It's sad that mundane things like career and what our friends and family would think can hold us back from this goal. (I thought about putting quotation marks around mundane, but since it refers to things pertaining to the world/earth I think it's best left as is.)
3. At the same time, the truth is that becoming orthodox would entail us needing to make drastic changes to our careers. It wouldn't really be acceptable to play at the weddings we play at, nor to play many of the concerts we play whether because of time, content, or both. It would also affect our ability to teach since our private teaching is obviously one-on-one and in orthodox Judaism that can be an issue one children are past bar/bat mitzvah age.
4. If Ben could get a full time university position, we would be able to make these changes. Otherwise, we're back to the same old discussions and debates regarding what's halachically desirable and what's practical for our current life.
5. If we were to switch, we'd ideally like to attend a Modern Orthodox shul. From what we've studied, the MO shuls seem to adhere to a traditional liturgy while making some concessions to "modern" life.
6. If the conservative shuls weren't so insistent on pushing gender-neutral terms in prayer books and egalitarian *no matter what*, we probably would be quite content there.
7. Or would we?
8. Probably not. We left reform Judaism for a number of reasons. Conservative Judaism holds many of the same problems although it has retained more of the traditional liturgy that we prefer.
9. I still maintain that putting a doily on your head in shul is not a head covering. I will concede that it is a sign of respect for the tradition of married women covering their hair, but I doubt that I'll ever be comfortable with it.
10. Dressing one way to attend services and another way for the rest of life occasionally seems just fine and sometimes seems like a double standard since clearly G-d is everywhere and the obligation to pray is not just on Shabbat and Yom Tov.
11. So we're back to fitting in with the world or doing what we think G-d is telling us to do. Apparently there's no doing both 100% of the time, or at least not in a way that we're ready to take on.
12. And now back to reality... here in London there are precisely 3.5 options. There is the Reform synagogue we left and wouldn't feel comfortable returning to. There is the Conservative synagogue that we will renew our membership at - Ben and Rachel went this morning and Ben seems optimistic that the "new" rabbi (it's his 3rd year there now) has been able to implement some much-needed changes. There is the orthodox synagogue that is very "black hat" - this comes as no real surprise since the rabbi and his wife are really Chabad and therefore it's got its own flavour. Ben has been to functions at the orthodox shul and he is just not comfortable there. There is also Chabad at Western but since that's for university students, I'll call that the "half option".
So here we are at the beginning of a new month and week, Jewishly speaking. Shavua tov!
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